On transitions, grounding, and a breast cancer scare

As summer here in the northern hemisphere wanes, I feel compelled to share a little about my last few months. I had the privilege to spend some extended time back home in California, the longest I’ve been since I moved to Berlin in 2014. Initially my trip was meant to only be 3 weeks, but it soon turned to 3 months. Here’s why:

Back in March I felt extremely ungrounded. Many threads in my Berlin life were fraying and ending, sometimes in dramatic ways. I thought I was prepared this big transition. I had all the tools, the mindfulness, the practices, the knowledge in place. When I quit my job, I even held a funeral for myself (a story for another time) to mourn and celebrate my old self. I was diving headfirst into my new healing business as if it were just any new office job.

But as close relationships in my life began to transition and end in difficult and disappointing ways, a routine doctor’s appointment led to the discovery of tumours in my breasts.

Breast cancer runs on both sides of my family. My mother was diagnosed at 37 with stage 4 cancer. She survived and is thriving now, but my aunt wasn’t as lucky. You might imagine the shock and fear I felt when faced with a potential cancer diagnosis at 29. I’m thankful for my practices, but to be honest - I was fucking scared. In my meditations, I had visions of my matriarchal lineages weeping for/with me and for all the suffering they and other women through the centuries endured. It felt as though my tumours were connected to both my and their suffering.

I knew this was a wake up call to heal another layer of myself, my ancestry and therefore my future. I heeded the call for deep rest and letting go. After all, the work I do can’t come from a place of lack, depletion, burnout or force. In order for me to be in deep service to my clients, my cup must be full first.

And this is what these past few months have been about - embracing and allowing this transition to happen at its own pace. To integrate the lessons and learnings of the past three years. To recalibrate, renew and refill myself before supporting others. I enlisted the help of my therapist, energy healers, bodyworkers, partners, friends, teachers, power animals, my meditation and reiki self-treatment practices and shamanic journeying, and, of course, Mother Earth.

I’m grateful to be back in a place where I feel grounded, peaceful and calm in mind, body and spirit. I didn’t think it would take this long, but I’m learning that we often can’t go at things linearly (though our society and capitalistic system loves to tell us this lie).

Thankfully, my tumours are benign and I am getting checked regularly to keep an eye on them.

If you’re feeling like you could use some holistic support, clearing and/or healing, do drop me a DM. I’m open for in-person (in Berlin) and online healing sessions in English and Spanish.

May you be well and at ease in this late summertime.

Photo taken by Alex Magaard at Nation of Gondwana 2021