My secret sexy Vipassana survival tactic
An integral part of Vipassana is the practice of Metta meditation. In Pali, “metta” means positive energy and kindness towards others. This practice is also known as lovingkindness meditation.
The idea of Metta meditation is to cultivate kindness and compassion for all beings, including yourself. At the Vipassana meditation retreat I attended, one of my teachers taught me to send Metta in the following order:
Myself
Family (partner(s) included here, I guess)
Friends
Teachers
All beings near where you presently are
All beings
Some forms of lovingkindness meditation will have you send Metta to difficult people in your life, further acquaintances, animals, Mother Earth, it’s all really up to you.
The main technique of sending Metta comprises reciting positive phrases in the order above. Some examples of Metta meditation phrases are:
May I/you all be safe, peaceful, healthy
May /you all be free from suffering
May I/you all be free of the five hindrances
May I/you all be at ease
This, like other types of meditation, is beneficial for mental, emotional and physical health. It’s honestly a beautiful practice that is worth doing regularly.
Except that it gets repetitive, tedious, dry and abstract after a while if you’re doing this multiple times a day at a long Vipassana retreat. At least it did for me. I was stuck in a rut sending all my loved ones and enemies the same damned positive phrases.
Ugh, boring.
To make things more entertaining, I consciously and mindfully made up what I call “dirty Metta”. I’m probably far from the first to do this, and I doubt this is sanctioned by the Buddhists, but the goodwill, positivity and love are there.
For many of my lovingkindness meditations I was reciting sex-positive stuff like:
May I/you have mind-blowing magnificent transcendental sex
May I/you have an abundance of orgasms
May I/you have a richness of pleasure
May I/you all be getting railed into ultimate joy and ecstasy
May I/you have all my/your kinky fantasies fulfilled
It did sometimes get dirtier (I mean I live in Berlin). But sorry folks, I’m only including the PG-13 versions here, sparing you from the inner workings of my often-debauched degenerate queerdo brain.
This practice made my meditation sittings significantly lighter, more joyful and amusing – especially given the somber environment I was in. There I was, dressed in a cultish costume of all white clothing in the middle of nowhere Bavaria among Buddhist meditators, sending the most absurd sexually charged well-wishing, good vibes Metta I could think of. It was the perfect injection of secretive joy and humor I needed. Do we have to take this all so seriously?
I personally got more out of the small humorous moments during my retreat than I did in the 150+ hours of meditation I must have done. Like when a big husky dog stole my meditation cushion, running away with it across the garden with delightful disregard. While I chased it, my fellow meditators failed to hide their laughter, breaking their vowed silence (I admit feeling some pride at getting so many fellow meditators to break a rule at once).
I later realized, this is it. This is what it’s about. The practice, at the end of the day, is living presently - with, in my opinion, an awakened heart, a healthy dose of humor and a light-hearted approach to life.
Turns out that a big part of Buddhist teachings is to not take things and yourself too seriously. Everything is temporary after all. And think about it, we’re floating on a mote of dust in space running around in borrowed spacesuits made of meat. How can we not laugh? How are we to not embrace this hilarious cosmic joke? Let life become play instead of a chore to be endured. Relish in the pure joy of simply being alive...and send everyone (including me) some sexy dirty Metta.
