What befriending grief taught me

Is it just me, or are the first three months of the year mostly a total write-off?

Spring Equinox is the true new year, in my opinion. In fact, Persian New Year, Nowruz, has been celebrated during the Spring Equinox for thousands of years. I think they have it right instead of this arbitrary day in December after the Winter Solstice. It makes no sense to me.

The first quarter of 2023 has felt so low and slow for me. I’ve been quiet and a bit distanced, mostly due to wading through compound grief after the loss of so many beloved elders in my life. This last cycle, the majority in Winter, saw all my grandparents and elders in my life, both biological and symbolic, pass away - six in total. The loss is tremendous.

For me it marks a point where I feel the wheel of life has taken a very definite turn - with that generation, and their wisdom, leaving this earth. It also marks my own transition into solid adulthood, closer to someday, hopefully, becoming an elder (I look forward to ageing, but that’s a topic for another day).

In grieving during this past cycle, I’ve started to think a lot about the grief that we all carry. Grief touches all of us at some point, it’s not a matter of if, but when. And it seems we are not very prepared or educated to deal with this reality.

I see this often with my clients. Many come with unexpressed grief, carrying heavy sorrows, quiet pain and the heartbreak of loss. Many fear their emotions or feel completely disconnected with them. This later often manifests as strange, inexplicable ailments or low grade depression.

Seeing this, I ask myself:

Why do we as a culture not treat the grieving with extra care, tenderness and compassion?

Why are we expected to carry on like nothing happened?

Why do we feel like a burden or weak if we ask for help when we are grieving?

Why do we feel like we “should be over it by now”?

Why is grieving so damned slow and difficult?

These are questions I asked myself as I tended to my own grief. The wonderful book “The Wild Edge of Sorrow” by Francis Weller answers a lot of these questions. I recommend this book to all humans carrying grief in their hearts.

Ultimately, change is necessary to create a new culture that, as Weller puts it, “honors the soul and the soul of the world.”

As we navigate and befriend grief, it inevitably changes and reshapes us. As we grow with grief and learn valuable lessons from it, Weller says:

“We are being called upon to gather the wisdom we have found on our long walk with sorrow and make it available for others. We must enter the healing ground as elders who have been seasoned by grief, recognizing we carry soul medicine for those who are beginning their apprenticeship.”

Perhaps this is the key to becoming a good future elder and ancestor, so that when it is our turn to shed our earth space suits, we’ve touched the earth and the beings upon it with compassionate wisdom. I certainly believe that to be the case with the elders I’ve recently lost. Their kindness, wisdom and legacy I will always carry in my heart.

How do you handle your grief?